I didn’t have much of a choice. Actually, given the location of my event that day in Chicago’s West Loop, I had no other option for early morning sustenance aside from the lowest common food denominator. That or face an audience of 60-70 eager wine acolytes knowing I might have a blood sugar crisis during my presentation, get hangry, and start yipping like a Chihuahua on crank. Wanting to avoid potential tragedy, I decided to go all chips in on America’s favorite fast food joint. Mind you I hadn’t darkened the door of a McDonald’s for well over 20 years.
When my kids were small fast food became a staple. It usually does despite how much of a slave you may be to good eating habits. Most kids crave fried salty things with sweets on the side. And who are we to stand in the face of nature and human evolution? However, cheese and grease on a commercial scale do have their limits. Thus, back in the day we’d try to opt for anything but McDonald’s despite the irresistible lure of the Happy Meal.
The Burger King in the Presidio in the City became our go-to. Not only did it have arguably the most amazing view of any BK ever, as in the San Francisco Bay and the Golden Gate Bridge, but it also had a drive through in case one wanted to go picnicking with just purchased Burgers, fries, and frosty drinks. Sadly, the feds closed that particular BK down at some point later, probably due to an expired lease and leaving me to wonder how the franchise was able to open on what was government property in the first place.
Afterwards, we opted for an Arby’s on Geary Blvd. which was still just 15 minutes from primetime Presidio picnic and parking venues. The best of these, by the way, was the lawn just next to Ft. Point, tucked almost beneath the south end of the bridge. There we’d munch on now tepid sandwiches and curly fries while watching the kamikaze surfers navigate the waves next to the fort. Sometimes we’d also park at the lot on the Marina Green and happily nosh away inside the car. That due to the usual weather conditions which were windy, cold, and foggy—the trio of frigid dwarfs. One time we even spotted a whale that no doubt had gotten lost inside the bay. Good news is that it was headed west and would soon be back in the vast expanse of the Pacific.
After a time, it occurred to us that regardless of place and kiddy toys, fast food was two molecules away from plastic, if not utter crap. We also figured out that the food court at nearby Stonestown Mall offered multiple dining choices, some of which even pretended to be healthy. Add to that the fact that there was a Disney Store and a Tower Records at the mall then. What more could you want?
Back to my recent date with McDonald’s destiny. I think if you’re going to opt for the golden arches, breakfast is your best bet. After all, it’s nearly impossible to screw up eggs, English muffins, and sausage. Ditto that for hash browns and OJ. However, at the time I was drinking decaf coffee for various reasons. I decided not to take a chance there. Drinking decaf is bad enough. It’s like wearing shitty sunglasses.
The restaurant was just a block away from the seminar venue. I entered and quickly discovered all ordering was done using a touch screen, surely a pandemic holdover. I found the breakfast menu and ordered an Egg-McMuffin, hash browns, and a small OJ. The total came to nine bucks and change. I took my receipt and sat down at a table next the window, which offered a stunning view of the parking lot. In a few minutes a young woman in a sharply pressed company uniform brought my order over. I smiled and thanked her. She took my tray and made a graceful exit.
The food was everything you’d expect. The Egg McMuffin was somewhere between a virtual facsimile of the real thing and the aforementioned two molecules away from plastic. However, the hashbrowns were actually tasty, once again affirming that potatoes should be their own food group. The OJ was definitely made from concentrate and surprisingly sweet with the additional zing of added citric acid.
As I nibbled away, I avoided any thoughts of how my aging internal food processor would handle the goods. Garbage in, garbage out, as the saying goes. I also thought about what kinds of alcoholic beverages would pair best with the fastest of fast foods. As a wine Jedi Knight, that’s what I’m supposed to do. My answer may disappoint you.
Instead of matching the intensity of the wine or other beverage to the dish, which is one of the prime directives of food and wine pairing, I went off-tackle south with my answer. I think that with fast food, especially McDonald’s, one needs to match the cultural panache of the beverage to the dish, which is just this side of trailer park. After some thought, I came to the realization that the most suitable grown up drink to sip with a Big Mac or Quarter Pounder with Cheese isn’t wine. Instead, I suggest reaching for an innocuous mass-produced light beer. The combination of thin texture, slight hint of bitterness, and scrubbing bubbles would act like a squeegee to scrape the schmear of the previous bite off the palate and prepare it for the next. That’s what adult beverages should do when combined with food that contains the holy trinity of fat, protein, and salt. The key is how the acidity and CO2/bubbles provide the so-called contrast with the dish/burger. It never fails to work because chemistry and food science always bat last.
Otherwise, I finished up breakfast in short order. For the record, I didn’t make it through the entire Egg McMuffin, but I did happily finish the hashbrowns and washed them down with the OJ. Then I cleared my tray like a good plate ranger and headed back to the seminar venue, somewhat nourished, possessing semi-sound mind, and knowing I wouldn’t darken another Mickie D’s door unless desperate future times called for desperate measures. However, if that were ever to happen, I may just opt for the Happy Meal. I hear they contain apple slices now and the toys are better.
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